must love

I am asking for help costantly...from "spiritual gurus, masters, angels and divine healing ministers"...from my higher self, my will power, God and anyone else I can think of that I don't have to see or hear .
I can seldom ask those who are physically around me or in my life. Obviously, everyone sees this. They see that I need help and that asking for it pains me ...no kills me. I wish like my wise Tashu suggested the other day , that I could just "remove the 'I'.." .
I have this strange sensation that Jay can never handle it when I talk to him about a personal /spiritual experience. I get the sense that he squirms inside and therefore looks to the ground and smiles on the outside.Strange - the idea of making work..expressing ideas..creating the landscape for art and exploration for and with someone whose experience of you ends where judgement begins..and increasingly it begins quite early on in the sentence/story/experience.
I have many moments of laughter ,joy and gratefulness...in all I'd say I'm in a happy state. I think (or like to think) that my angels are in communication with me and my higher self is getting in more words than it used to. This may be real or it may be the color I choose..it matters little. Though when I loose sense of this picture I'm trying so hard to paint, I bleed a bit and cry alot and this ruins my canvas. As my colors get richer my canvas becomes thinner, more sensitive and tears so easily. I experience intense love ..am pulled with great magnetic impetus to where love is needed or where a loved one is depleted..its almost like I can't choose this..I am pulled as if I am only the bag that contains this great magnet and have to go towards where it is summoned...some kind of vehicle or tool. By the time I'm back to having some semblance of control.. "I decide"..my I is so wounded with giving ..whatever flowed out has literally poured with astonishing power o and left a gash that takes a long time to heal. I think ..the msters, the angels and guides help. But in the manifest realm I still am alone.
Often I encounter manifest guides and love-fillers..Eliam, Nani, Ma,Tashu. More often it is just me.
Would I rather not feel this love. No. For now I would still rather contain and spill this energy that Is not mine but for some reason chooses me time and again. I must learn though to turn it towards me..until at least there is someone here to hold me and let me rest for a moment in their arms.
They come alone sometimes..promising arms and steady hearts..but they leave almost always. Of them one has stayed to whom I now have no access.
The 'I' needs this now..or it will not quieten down..it will continue to shout and wail in my head and I will have to chant louder...breathe deeper to quell its impatient violence. The 'I' befriends me, betrays me and seduces me constantly.
I must love it for there is no one else to do so.

I learnt little big things

Some of the random lessons that came to me today..
Blind people, because they can't see..or rather are not informed by the eye, perceive their existence and being in the world in one fundamentally different way to  those who have sight. That is, they think of the world..be it the school, the bus stop, other people, meals or experiences , as coming to them as opposed to us , who go to the world. As my very inspiring and refreshingly wise teacher said today , "they bring the world into them".
This exchange was part of a contemporary dance class that I have recently started taking outside of my usual company training schedule. I think , when things get really crazy in my head and in the space we move in together everyday ( sometimes under quite a bit of pressure - physically, spatially and temporally) , I need to find a way to get less insular - step out..or as my teacher was saying today "look out "..in this case see that there is so much going on outside of my extremely sacred and intense , yet insular and somewhat limiting framework.. so much that is valid, meaningful and deeply moving.
 I feel privileged often. Sometimes I forget to be grateful and am regretful and angry.
 At work, I often get entwined into some complex play of memories and guilt about a boy I once loved. It can be hard seeing someone close to you.. far way in the same room. I suppose the fact that he is so explicitly untouched by me anymore and so willing to bend over backwards for a significant other person makes it harder..and above all this is the realization that I am so insecure and insipid.
These emotions they are sweeping and it takes me very long to shake myself free from under their spell.
I shall try to be like a baby..like tinkerbell.. let it pass through..know that it will pass through and I am not prisoner to this tumultuous saga!
You cannot make someone love or want you. Or even respect you.
I am lonely- yes this is sometimes an incredibly safe space.. but when the going gets tough.. it can be debilitating to not have anyone around.
I must try .. (how ironic this will sound)..but I will practice the art of doing "nothing". It really is a task and not many I know have or are close to achieveing it.