EMOTIONAL ATYACHAAR

I have decided that I will not allow myself anymore friendships that are not honest. When
I say honest I mean being able to really commuicate the uncomfortable stuff with an underlying faith in the intention of the other that allows one to be open to what they are suggesting.

Its very easy to use emotional blackmail. I find myself starting to looserespect for people who use certain phrases too often. I think "how can you do this to me?" tops the list, followed by "because of you...", "i never thought/did/felt...but you.." and so on. It is really quite easy to spot an emotional blackmailer but extremely difficult to say to them (and this has to be communicated at levels far out of reach of the tongue or words or voice) "I don't want to be in this situation WITH YOU " .Most blackmailers are exceedingly clever, they won't begin the blackmailing till they have already permeated deep into your being, captured your consciousness and stamped upon your will an indelible impression of their moral code. The idea is when you tell them how it is.. or how its not and the tools come out ,they don't look like weapons at all.These are no nuclear armaments or even granades,thay are beautifully rehearsed little peeps into how they now think of you - you are "so mean", "so rude"..."so selfish" and many more colorful adjectives all preceded by "SO" and of course you are immediately cast as the bad guy, the aggressor to this helpless victim who breaks down and is oh so innocent becuse they are willing to cry. The catch is ,you actually do give a shit!!! and this is the weapon they so deftly use, almost like the US in Afghanistan, defeating themselves with their preoccupation to save their misguided mision.

Its unrealisctic to say beware and dont fall for such persons..but thats crazy cos they are so very charming, have so much to offer and love is always a factor.

So how does one feel the love without the guilt, feel the empathy without being sucked dry of one's own energy and how the hell does one say "NO" or "i meant what said" to this melodamatic species of human who has won oscars for the role of 'victim' and whose self given moral title is a word not even coined except in her or his own head?
I atually wrote this a long time ago...looking back at it now it seems a bit too vehement and aggressive but i still mean what I say. There has to be a way to detect , im our social interactions, the game players, the games and the rewards and penalties of the human psychological network.All this has to be done only so that in our deficient human scale of perception 'love' is left pure...so that in all the confusion,ego conflict and power play, in all the respect or lack of it, the anger and the battle for space and bondage one recognizes that none of this matters in the realms of love. As I write this, I am still anrgy and bitterly dissappointed at my little personal emotional blackmailer ( the one who inspired this post)...but I cannot deny the surge of love I feel for her in spite of it all..an maybe even a little bit ,because of it!

I would like to go to sleep now

Is it common to feel blocked in your back ..in the upper region just behind your heart when someone breaks up with you?
Does almost everyone feel it manifest physically when they have been wondering how they will pay for their tomorrows?
Does a failed relationship find its way to the left side of your body?
Is it a universal habit to seek desperately a universality to your pain ..your patterns..your wierdness..your shame?
Can many of us actually find ways to stop crying that are not new promises of joy?
Can too many of us peacefully ask without being answered? and stay peaceful even if more questions beg to be put out there and no path to any solution reveals itself?
Do u remember God more when you are together or when your selves are being torn apart?
Can the person you love be the person who reduces you to the person you hate ?
Is it normal to be always in pain?
Is it more compelling a reality that demands to be written that is sad ?
Will i ever stop feeling like this?How long has it been?
Will i want to wear my red dress anytime this year? this lifetime?
Do i really want to ever marry...or will i punish myself for being poor always?
Can one rise above economics?
Will sleep come to me tonight.......

pain

It occurs to me that pain is a really strange thing..its definitely not as simple as a physical or mental or auric or psychological factor..it is all encompassing and once its there,it finds its way through every little gate,crack,crevice or gap it can get its eyes on. Of course, its ironic that i'm talking about pain like its this evil little foreign entity that attacks you...this , I am fast discovering is not entirely the case..

Pain and its relationship with us ,the way we navigate our functionalism and existence through it and the way that it manifests in parts of us that it has not originated from ( or we think it has not originated from) is a huge teller about how we live our lives and our relationships with our selves...

"pain pain go away come again another day".....escapism..but this is dangerous because in the karmic scheme of things this is inviting a veritable tsunami of neuron misbehaviour and giving liscence to something that you will later want to shoot yourself for creating..

"no gain without pain" - this im afraid is what alot of dancers including myself are afflicted with.. we wear our wounds like war medals and while my 16 year old body looked quite dashing with these medals (though i might say so myself)..my 26 year old one wears them like a gorilla would wear stilettos or more like a mouse would wear its trap after it has snapped...

"Pay attention to pain - listen to your body"...this is the new mantra..or maybe its the old mantra,the original wisdom that we so predictably see past/through or don't see..but really how many of us really adhere to this, whether its a dancer with a ligament sprain or an IT professional with shooting pain in the back... or we actually listen..are we really prioritising?The logic would run something like this though i suspect it is never so articulated.."which pain is easier to bear the ankle or the crashing wave of self doubt and existential angst that accopanies forced rest for those who are used to physical expression and a regular endorphin overdose?"...or "would i reather put up with stiff fingers and finish this project tonight or put up with a pain in the ass boss and loads of pressure?"

and now the ceaseless pain of not knowing..of putting these questions out there and recieving no answers,road maps or tour guides..only hints and clues that hide themselves most deviously or are somehow invisible to our strong goal-oriented wills that maybe offer possible solutions...

lastly.."pain is your friend"....i guess this makes some sense..understand it..talk to it..sit down with it and a cup of coffee and ask why it behaves so...give it time and attention..don't ignore it or try to get rid of it immediately..it is telling you something extremely important.If only it were really that simple.. goodbye! am off to pop a pain killer before my next performance!

I had a dream, more like an imagining yesterday..it goes like this, i wake up in a small room somewhere in Paris and its midnight.Im really irritated because i realise that i can't go back to sleep and i don't really want to read or do anything else. So i look out of the window and i see the Eiffel tower and i think to myself in India im never going to get a chance to actually walk on the street alone at midnight...i remember someone having told me that the Eiffel tower is a 1 hour walk from where i am...so i decide to go.

I start walking but i don't know the way so i find myself ambling through these tiny bylanes and just keeping my sight on the tower and going towards it. Sometimes im lost but then i wait and look for spaces between the buildings so i can find the bright shining vision that i am walking towards again..and i do, every time. The journey is really easy and Im not scared at all which is a somewhat rare thing for me these days...it occurs to me that in the day with all the light and distraction i cant really see the Eiffel Tower from my window..but in the night...

Its almost magical the way things reveal themselves in the dark..the symbolism of the moment does not escape me..im walking towards the light..and yet all thriough i am consious that there are stars in the sky but no moon..at some quiet unarticulated level i wonder where the moon is.. but suppose its just a no moon night..

Finally i reach my destination ..there i am ,standing beneath the tower looking up at it and soaking in the moment..the energy, the picture. Im aware that there are people on thes streets..not too many..just some young people spilling out of bars and cafe's..its all quite safe and calm.. theres this buzz in the air and i'm sort of transfixed..not really by the beauty of the vision before me..but at something larger. suddenly up in the sky behind the tower dark clouds part and reveal the brightest most glorious moon.. its huge ..magnificeint and its everywhere this moonshine that has me in suspended animation for the next quarter of an hour or so..i am aware of looking at something beyond the tower,the moon,the stars and the sky. my being is doing a dance that my body hasn't been able to imagine...parts of me leave my tiny body ,rush up into the night sky and the space between me and the tower and moon and tease me reminding me of my insignificance ,perching on the tower and showing me what i cannot do. I am filled with joy at the awareness of my limitations and of my infinity...the metaphor sinks in- the walking towards something only to suddenly discover something even more fulfilling..

After a while i become conscious of a presence, like someone is looking at me and i don't know what it is..so i abruptly turn around to almost bang into this guy who it appears has been standing behind me ,very close to me .He peers into my face..i cannot remember the details of his.. and he says "i've been watching you staring at this (and gestures in the direction of the spectacle that has had me so enthralled) and i had to ask you - were you looking at the moon or the Eiffel tower?".and i answer "neither" .he smiles and cheekily says "right answer" and asks if I'll have a coffee or a wine with him and i think to myself "one wine can't do much harm" and we go off to find a place to get a wine and some conversation....

This entire reverie played itself out while i was watching one of my favouritew movies 'under the tuscan sun' of which i never want to miss a word..but now,i found myself a little restless and end up flicking a button to change the channel.The image that greets me is of Chris tucker and Jackie Chan in 'rush hour 2' which i can never bring myself to watch ,being dragged around by the bad guy in some lake other kind of water body..behind them in the background is the foot of somethin quite familiar..the camera zooma out and behold! there it is the Eiffel tower!! I am elated,,its been ages since the cosmos really spoke to me..or ages rather since i've listened and understood.. just thought i'd write this down in case i forget it....

it doesn't really mean much..except that i'm ready- ready to heal, to begin, to end, to be, to really feel joy again.It doesn't really mean anything..except almost everything.