7/4/2011

Welcome me into the night
This night that is so yellow and so blue.
You come in different ways to see me
But I am blind and cannot see you.

The letters behave eratically
and the people they were born that way.
Someone is outside listening...
I lied..we are alone you and me..

Always teasing me
my laughless boy.
It was more like a soft bubbling
your hoots and little sounds of joy.

Such a small fellow
so much to give.
Here I am, holding on to this small green pillow
The one you used when we shared sleep.

I think I'll kiss you goodnight everynight
and dream you back to life.
Someday I'll stop
and so will my clock
And every other still and unstill light.

I am the light.
You are
of my eyes,my heart, my life.
Sleep, as I close my eyes.
For there you are always awake, alive.

Jojo candlesticks, hymns and gaalis
Lufi, Parpie
Only my breathing betrays
The silent shifting apart
of the two pieces of my heart
as it steadily, invincibly frays.

You made me so happy.
Now sadness has shades.
Today was a lighter one
Tomorrow?
Who knows
Maybe it'll be a stormy , cloudy grey.

But this night,
It is yellow and blue.
And this heart, this mind, this self.
No room, no space _ no one , but You.

3/4/2011

Please,as you go
Turn around to me.
Please, as you move on
Take your memories
So when you are not here
Not there
Or anywhere
I will not know or search
where you once were.

I want to stop writing
To you
Talking
To you
Seeing you
On the street
In the studio
Never.

I Breathe when I am alone
Because thats when you come
In the cool air
In the checkered light of the lamp
you gave me.
Then , I fall asleep
And .maybe I am alive in those hours.

Those hours
Without You
This year,
full of hours
Without you.

This day has finally come.
We have arrived at the place
Landmarked by your beautiful tombstone.
You said, to kiss the joy as it flies.
I only want to kiss you
with closed shut never-to-open eyes.

Runaway
Take me with.
No, that is not what I want.
Peace
Breath
I desire
Pain -to stop.
Stop now.
I am hopelessly hopeful
That when I see you again
We will both know.

But deep in me
I recognize the dark knowing
You did not know me then..
I only knew nothing
But even that was my perfect combination.

self indulgence (2/4/2011)

Today I felt loveless.No ,not so much "loveless" but just free....yes! free of the burden of the belief in love.Could it be that Jo was right to mock me , and that my unquestioning knowing and faith in this "love" was just blindness? denial? escapism?..identity construction mechanisms?
NO - I don't love you.I don't love anybody. Not in a suicidal "I hate you" way, but just honestly - I don't know about love.
Love...Finally you have deserted me.My mind has constructed this thing .There is wisdom in the un-American way of never saying "I love you".
I'm sleepy and senseless.I have shooting pains in what feels like my heart.I realize that one must try.
But I don't have any answers enough to know why I asked what I asked. Love, magic,eternity - do you desert me now?
I desert myself as I let you go. I must learn. Today even breath has been taken away... 'Life is changed..never taken away' - reads a tombstone passed.
Do your wise words protect or guide you my angel boy? You are in a place where I cannot see your curls and eyebrows the way they appeared to me two nights ago.Dreaming of you is now beautiful, I wake up with no pain from the time we spent in the night.
Your death becomes our life and we laugh, drink, eat, sing, worship, sleep, write, dance to send you further, to a place where you cannot hurt us from being in .
So far , that just for a minute you are not in every quivering blade of grass, or pink blossoming tree or bird call or anthill.
Somebody recently talked to me about 'unfiltered experience'. And I realize that you are the filter for every reality I dare to encounter.
It hurts to breathe .Your perfect because your dead. I wish I had seen your perfectness when you walked and talked and lay beside me- for real.
Where are you?
You are not.
I must let you go. I smell the need for change...time tumbles along, the gong has gone off -" 1 year..1 year ", it chimes.
My heart reminded me today to allow it to beat. I want to live and do and yes, even achieve...I want freedom and God and complete awareness . But most of all , I want to sleep.