Today I felt loveless.No ,not so much "loveless" but just free....yes! free of the burden of the belief in love.Could it be that Jo was right to mock me , and that my unquestioning knowing and faith in this "love" was just blindness? denial? escapism?..identity construction mechanisms?
NO - I don't love you.I don't love anybody. Not in a suicidal "I hate you" way, but just honestly - I don't know about love.
Love...Finally you have deserted me.My mind has constructed this thing .There is wisdom in the un-American way of never saying "I love you".
I'm sleepy and senseless.I have shooting pains in what feels like my heart.I realize that one must try.
But I don't have any answers enough to know why I asked what I asked. Love, magic,eternity - do you desert me now?
I desert myself as I let you go. I must learn. Today even breath has been taken away... 'Life is changed..never taken away' - reads a tombstone passed.
Do your wise words protect or guide you my angel boy? You are in a place where I cannot see your curls and eyebrows the way they appeared to me two nights ago.Dreaming of you is now beautiful, I wake up with no pain from the time we spent in the night.
Your death becomes our life and we laugh, drink, eat, sing, worship, sleep, write, dance to send you further, to a place where you cannot hurt us from being in .
So far , that just for a minute you are not in every quivering blade of grass, or pink blossoming tree or bird call or anthill.
Somebody recently talked to me about 'unfiltered experience'. And I realize that you are the filter for every reality I dare to encounter.
It hurts to breathe .Your perfect because your dead. I wish I had seen your perfectness when you walked and talked and lay beside me- for real.
Where are you?
You are not.
I must let you go. I smell the need for change...time tumbles along, the gong has gone off -" 1 year..1 year ", it chimes.
My heart reminded me today to allow it to beat. I want to live and do and yes, even achieve...I want freedom and God and complete awareness . But most of all , I want to sleep.
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