What we didn't do

We are not the ones who lost

but the ones who learnt.

We are not the ones who fear

but the ones who feel.

We do not see,always

but we sense.

This is when being a part of everyone sets you apart

When the world sleeps,

you see life as moving madly.

In steep circles

and hollow lines.

We saw,because yesterday our eyes had hands and our ears, wings.

We see ,because today our hearing and seeing have ceased

And our love has proclaimed its beginning.

Colours greet those who paint

and bodies that dance.

Moving in circles and happy lines.

Meadows and ocean beds are breathing.

Beyond this sunrise are words of water

and beds of pale blue sky.

Nothing exists outside of life's madness.

Nothing makes me more alive than this still,silent oneness.

Seoul

Surrounded by rain and grey..
Grey clouds reflected by grey mirrors.
This is when you see the poetry..
What stays is what changes.
The people are so gentle here..
they admonish with funny faces.
Little eyes and big souls - in Seoul.
Cigerette smoke .
Long distance phone calls and rented umbrellas.
High heels and petite doll creatures.
Still raining... "in my soul", like someone just said.
At least it moves- my soul in Seoul's rain.

I have this sense of you.

Everywhere inside everything

and outside and around.

Days and nights have disappeared

Dates and dashes cease to exist.

Nothing seperates from anything

It is all one long sleepless journey

Who travels..

Not me.

You- travelling away

Moving every moment towards

that place where I can't see

you ,or hear your voice.

You will miss every game.

But maybe you play still

In the dark? In the light?

Your toys bounce off clouds and

scatter all meaning

shatter all matter.

Come together with me.

or let me at least

pull my parts as one.

I long to feel again

a you moment

But now all moments are you moments

all time is Joseph time

all thoughts

all doings

my breath

my being

myself and non-self

my meaning and the nonsense

words

visions

today

now

tomorrow

yesterday.

Please stop leaving

moving away

Every day you die

There are no more pieces for me to break into.

Central control

governmental nonsense

Democratic caviar.

Come to the party

where boars do glow

There is much to see here.

Wine,whisky and a bullet hole.

Plastic bottle

Pray for me

I want to see the other side

Inside

Plastic bottle

Pray for me

You are empty

As I want to be.

Your're too smooth

I'm too rough

Blending, melting, confusion

We both know how to bluff.

Lime green skies

Orange fish

My flag still lies all furled

at the bottom of a chest

What are you looking for?

Verbosity city,

Sorry I am

Different as things should be

Stars shine

Still

written on the 13th of july,2009

How many things can a unit keep inside itself?
As I heard today- "one must recognize one's potential and then work to increase it".
I am a unit.
So if I were to have a small heart to heart with the schemer of things and say - this unit can take exactly 300 gulps of self loathing, 5733 pain filled heart beats, 25 instances of holding breath till face gets pimples and a little less than infinite longing, ( I'd say that's quite a good deal you got there)...
take it or leave it
And what then...if the schemer in all his wisdom decided to take it and to leave it? Where would that leave me and my outrun quota of gulps, beats, pimples and longing?
It has been exactly one year and one month since our 1st date ...the 13th month since we met on friday the 13th.
And yes at this point I would say it has been an extremely unlucky 13 months.I have met the man I want to spend my life with and I have lost him. And I really don't know why. I have great and profound answers to tell people who care to ask but i don't have a fucking clue.

written in germany in a motel after missing our flight

The circmference of a circle contains in its shadows the history of the green world as we now know it.
Love blooms and outgrows itself with pain.An intimate relationship between wood and velvet... unlike the one between paper and pen they do not share a common cause.
History is all about colors and blood. All about the way words are spelt and how they shouousld or should not be pronounced.A thousand cheesy metaphors later, one has a chronicle, throw in stone and boundaries and an epic has burnt itself onto the human consiousness.
Life goes on inspite of the past.Crawls, groans,slides, runs and flies steadily forwards. One takes of , another lands, turbulence is just an excuse to not live too much. For who are the ones who make the rules? Children? Adults? It is the same part of us that asks the questions.
Rules are to create concentrated answer-finding teams.Not this, not that but everything.
You are everyone.

today

Everything is now changed. I cannot say much. except that no words..no language can authentically represent the place im in. I do 2 things these days 1) function 2) keep telling, convincing and remending myself that he is not coming back. Jo is gone. death is final.
There is somehow a sense of wanting to be present here in this space where I am nameless and faceless.. so I have decided to simply copy things I wrote or doodled in the past. almost to record it because I am often filled with the hope..that he may have gone into the light, but I am not far behind.
So from now on ..whatever appears here is from before

Is waqt.

All the world is like a beachball.
Empty and full.crashing forever into competing elements.
There . Not there.Here. Not. Everywhere.
Full.fulfilled.fulfilling.
I am all the world.The world is inside me and that makes me dirty.
But I am clean in parts where nothing can make me unclean.
When I move,, i want you to be still. So still that your insides cannot help but alter.
One wants to transform others, oneself and at least 1 world -positively..
One likes to believe that one can at least transform Hindustan..
that Hindustan is the world.
They say- karavaan aatein rahe
Hindustan buntha raha.
They forgot..uske pehele aur uske baad?
poetry makes everything simple.
unfortunately wars,riots and pogroms are not enacted with poetry,sher-shairi or even gaana
steel.blood.loss.memory.wanting to lose your memory. to burn your memories..
Is it more difficult to wear a mini skirt in India or do namaaz?
stupid question.
India /Bharat?hindustan does not exist like that..HIndu as in hinduism? OR Hindu as in Indus?
Shut up Shut up Shut up - I want this to stop mattering..to stop patterning.
aaj hum hain.. kal nahi rahenge... us waqt aapko yad aayege
ek pagli thi...mujhe chahne waali - mujhpe marne waali.
Filhaal- now is the time for scheduling, planning, meditating and pretending.
Alas, on this side of the lakir it is all one can do to not become paralyzed.
To keep moving ones body
My eyes are seeing this, my ears are reading it..lekin dil nahin manta.

2010

Its a new year and I don't feel any different.... that s what I would have said usually.
This year however , I am altered . I can say it with certainty.
I suddenly want these strange things that i didnt want before and I feel like its valid to want them. I am also less hopeful of ever being in a place where I can access them..or they can access me.
But I'm not sad or regretful about any of this. The feeling of awareness and knowing myself is back- I know what I want and I know how far I am willing or not willing to go to fulfil these wishes.Also, I have spent a large part of the year getting aqquainted with my dark parts and even starting to be unashamed and accepting of them. Yes , I have deep insecurities...I am extremely materialisctic and am forever balancing accounts (karmic or other )... I have secrets that I haven't told anyone except my therapist.. I hope for one thing and pretend that Im ok with quite the opposite.. I need to be good.. I lie - alot...I tell stories.. I want to escape all the time... I miss the man Ive been with lately and am constantly tempted to call him and tell him what he wants to hear so he'll stop being so scared of me and just bloody well come back... I am ooohhh so weak... I have lately become unhappy about my height and other elements of my appearance...
Somehow though...knowing all this doesn't make me feel any less..On the contrary I feel extremely real. Like - this is it. and its ok...its great! Im as fucked up as everyone else. Im not extraordinary! This gives me strength. I don't as yet know where this strange strong energy and confidence emanates from but it reminds me painfully of Jo. Like all along he was telling me something and I was afraid of listening cos he was right and he'd leave me for not discovereing it all before he did. Stupid girl he'd have left me anyway. That was written as thay say.
Its incredible !I am again at a place where I cherish the aloneness..and don't feel lonely. Im ready to leave.. Im also willing to stay. I am open to change ..but having said that i'm not putting myself up to be a lab rat. So no crazy chances and experiments- only allowances and agreements when and if the signs are readable and right.
We are born, we live and we die...not necessarily in that order. Maybe some of us get to live more times....to live longer, stronger and harder...higher and fuller. Maybe its possible to be born again and again and again and in order for this to happen, to die again and again and again. At the start of this year there are many emotions battling it out within me and there are several states of being that I find myself inhabiting... This has happened before, but, the me that watches quietly is suddenly more in tune with the blind minstrel and the hungry lioness. They are working together! at least something tells me so.