Excerpts of conversation from the train journey to Mangalore

He can't do anthing to me,I'm strong ..I just laugh in front of them..Straight- hair fringe, big big eyes..Anything to eat?..I have a spoon..wow...What are you?-What are you writing?...He's getting his head wet....I'll report her...Obedience, persevearance, discipline......Being grateful for the person who teaches...Words and values that get extinct...American value system... I have one orange in my bag somewhere... Yes,open it..OPEN..These are all american terms...Not hopping fro job to job..has been a country of rebels...I will not bow down to anybody..Everything is pretty and pink.. Did you see how it jumped on that guy?

Signal signal...just think ,this chicken has the power of ruling the world...Aaaah! nice well no?!...Keep the peels in your tea- this thing...Everyones walking around with bowls of red jelly..happy....Dreaming of you...Maybe your gonna be the one that saves.. The fire in your heart is out..AAIYYOOO!! there is no space..Smooth criminal.. haaay!! meri bindiyaan re...But i'll be needing the help of a local..they shoot each other...Bloody hell... Journey to the heart of the Zulu nation...They've made her horrible ...Just keep on bouncing baby...bachpan se ek aavaaz hamesha mujhse kehti thi ki mein ek actor banungi ......eesh! mein der kichoo bachlo na...

We gay couples..The sets and all are gorgeous na?...I am a bad boy.. thoda sa pagal...This is some funny thing..aawaaz hu mein..AWAAZ HU MEIN...sound that moves you..The 5 tribes that made up the confedaracy...there's no point... tum theek hotha tha...You wrote that also..I asked for my mobile phone...Why, they are still behind God?...Come on yaar

Just the regular existential worries..

I keep asking myself what this life is going to be about. Hope springs? faith? love? loss? joy?jealousy? (yes I do believe it exists,I just need to find it).. torment? team work? sickness? addictions? colour? great sex? not so great sex? desperate ,devouring loneliness? total denial? psychosomatic manifestations of subtler realities.. parasitic episodes of defence and fear..regret.. family.. friendship.. envy.. competition.. drama..regression.. repression.. performance.. scandal.. progress.. failure..growth.. success....

But these are all the ingredients..I could make so many things with oil,spices and meat and vegetables...What recipie will this life choose or reject.. What about the recipies it doesn't even know exist?

Day before yesterday , after the show something in me said goodbye to him.This pressing of a life changing button after a volcanic build up of childish neglect, a perverted form of rejection and I don't know how many negativities - this has happened before and it makes me so strong that I find myself pressing my insides hard enough to cure the pain with the pain.When did this dream become a mundane non-routine? How did I become so hyper soft on the inside so seemingly strong on the outside..?

My unhappiness has many disguises or maybe something else has found and projected a disguise called unhappiness. Everything seems to be going so smoothly and I can almost imagine someone asking me all the right questions and me delivering with aplomb the right answers.

I feel so stuck right now sitting here in the 4:30 am silence with not a sign of sleep and overtaken with binging. I feel - who would want someone like me? But the truth is alot of people do. I pray to the cosmos for the courage to do the right thing for me.. to be brave and face and diminish and then annihilate my fears- thay reside luxuriously and destructively in my mind. Hope is the evacuation team that will drive them out and faith the security service that will guard the gate thereafter.

I want this process to be peaceful and yet emotional .And I strive for these emotions to be energising not toxic and depleting.

fossils of an invalid love -letter

How about you dance with me every night?

How about after I spend the whole day dancing, I come home to you and really dance?..so that I can dance again in my sleep and wake up with a song to make me dance again all day..

In all this movement and stillness...in all this breathing and breathlessness there is you and then you and then you.

Sometimes you don't even know you but I see you's and they are every possible glorious manifestation of life's children..

Like a little boy ,like a big Papa...like a little Papa (a papa 'lilla')..like a big boy ..you inspire and agitate the life blood in me to live more life..My water centres whirl and burst and flow and trickle all at once..I can feel my colours form a rainbow around the moon and stand beneath it with you..

You can be my Jean Kelly and we can be 'singing in the rain' or my Humphrey Bogart and send warm currents down my spine every time you say "here's lookin at you kid"..and even my Shah Rukh Khan- throw your arms wide open to the sky and promise to be my deewaana forever.

Have you noticed how unabashedly insular this is..?..just like those mummys and daddys with their super-babies and those "us" "us" married couples! See what you do to me!

Dude you are my chick flick handsome 'kutta' and my sex bomb- all life long- dance partner and my jaan bachcha and scary papa (not always ! don't worry)...

I know you thinking "here she goes again asserting her unreal identities onto real old me"..but don't worry, we'll be magical and celestial as long as every day I'm curious to meet a you and brave enough to say goodbye to another you...and I am.. I am.. I so so am.

Cos you love me and I love you and that is really really something.