Just the regular existential worries..

I keep asking myself what this life is going to be about. Hope springs? faith? love? loss? joy?jealousy? (yes I do believe it exists,I just need to find it).. torment? team work? sickness? addictions? colour? great sex? not so great sex? desperate ,devouring loneliness? total denial? psychosomatic manifestations of subtler realities.. parasitic episodes of defence and fear..regret.. family.. friendship.. envy.. competition.. drama..regression.. repression.. performance.. scandal.. progress.. failure..growth.. success....

But these are all the ingredients..I could make so many things with oil,spices and meat and vegetables...What recipie will this life choose or reject.. What about the recipies it doesn't even know exist?

Day before yesterday , after the show something in me said goodbye to him.This pressing of a life changing button after a volcanic build up of childish neglect, a perverted form of rejection and I don't know how many negativities - this has happened before and it makes me so strong that I find myself pressing my insides hard enough to cure the pain with the pain.When did this dream become a mundane non-routine? How did I become so hyper soft on the inside so seemingly strong on the outside..?

My unhappiness has many disguises or maybe something else has found and projected a disguise called unhappiness. Everything seems to be going so smoothly and I can almost imagine someone asking me all the right questions and me delivering with aplomb the right answers.

I feel so stuck right now sitting here in the 4:30 am silence with not a sign of sleep and overtaken with binging. I feel - who would want someone like me? But the truth is alot of people do. I pray to the cosmos for the courage to do the right thing for me.. to be brave and face and diminish and then annihilate my fears- thay reside luxuriously and destructively in my mind. Hope is the evacuation team that will drive them out and faith the security service that will guard the gate thereafter.

I want this process to be peaceful and yet emotional .And I strive for these emotions to be energising not toxic and depleting.