Still not moving

Not all who wander are lost. What about those who flit? just flit..from here to there and there to here and then to somewhere else and here again...
What about if your flitting from the inside to the outside to above and beyond?
No difference really . My teacher talked not so long ago about the illusion of stillness. He posits the view that we are always, eternally and unarguably in motion. even if you die, there are molecules inside your physical body moving and shaping and re shaping themselves...even if you still those molecules you are in motion because the planet you are on rotates..
So stillness is unattainable . hmmm...
What about when you look at yourself in a real or emotional mirror and realize that in the last million years you have not moved. Not grown, not proceeded...not changed...
maybe like the planet...something larger is moving us always anyway..and therefore we are always growing, changing , proceeding...stilllness is impossible.
Still I like to close my eyes and imagine what it would be like.

SSSIIIMMMBBLLYY fried in the head

Its this feeling of wanting to escape to the past..or into a movie..or into love that allows me stay on here.. No, not just this feeling or urge but also the demented accompanying hope that it is possible.
I guess if you believe you can have something..or do something..of be a thing ,whatever that thing is... there is always the possibility..
And when your sleepy, so sleepy that you are also sad , these ridiculous dreams present themselves..these fantasies of escapism that make tomorrow ever so frighteneing.. that make the barrage of unanswerable questions so much more compelling than their non existent answers.
Why can't I get my timing right? to always meet someone when you can't have them and to want them when they have got used to not having you..
Will this feeling leave me? ..of not being enough just as i am..without kaajal, without heels, without a 13 hour workout..without more money? without a family or a man?or a lover..
Is my essential sunshine never going to return? I loathe the porous darkness that seems to have replaced it and shows no sign of leaving...I have forgotten how to cheer up..
Do i still love dance?.. can u really ever stop loving anything or anyone that you started loving?
Its like a marriage, my relationship with dance..I cannot live without it but I resent this now.. or is this all a case of complex projection- something else destroys me and someone else is accredited with the new version..discredited rather.
Is this city home? should i accept it...own it and surrender ...is it teaching me and strenghthening me or is this just destruction and futility..should i leave- would that be cowardice or purposefulness..
Is it really over with him or is this nagging sensation that it continues always a voice worth listening to? - how do I figure this out without sinking into some pit of gloom..gloom that stinks so much that no one can stand near me when i emerge from it..
Will I escape? -is it ok that i want to? who decides...

To sir with love

Recently I've been thinking alot about my Guru and what it must be like to have the vision and insight to perhaps really change the world..or at least a patch of its back garden, and yet be held down. This not being able to fly when one knows one is the few people who can must be excrutiating. I guess the antidote to the responsibility that comes with genius is humility. This humility, this humbleness is what perhaps allows him at some level to engage with the rest of the world.
He says time and again," You cannot change anyone else, if at all there is a change that can be made, it is in yourself.." and then under his breath"in yourself...if at all.
I have and often do feel rage and anger towards him. It is after all annoying to have his voice in my head when I binge or light a cigarette or drink too much. It is even more frustating to not understand his words or the image he is so desperately trying to convey.But it is immensely rewarding to be in his presence. I feel so priveledged.
Its an exiting scintillating sensation that feels like aliveness to feel deep love for someone while being given a subtle dressing down by him,to misunderstand him and his intentions only to be proved completely wrong by some tiny gesture he makes the next day and to smile and enjoy the liberating gush of foolishness and modesty that lifts me up and to know that at least for a small part of this life I have been chosen by life to intensely experience the stroke of a master.
I love you sir.