Its this feeling of wanting to escape to the past..or into a movie..or into love that allows me stay on here.. No, not just this feeling or urge but also the demented accompanying hope that it is possible.
I guess if you believe you can have something..or do something..of be a thing ,whatever that thing is... there is always the possibility..
And when your sleepy, so sleepy that you are also sad , these ridiculous dreams present themselves..these fantasies of escapism that make tomorrow ever so frighteneing.. that make the barrage of unanswerable questions so much more compelling than their non existent answers.
Why can't I get my timing right? to always meet someone when you can't have them and to want them when they have got used to not having you..
Will this feeling leave me? ..of not being enough just as i am..without kaajal, without heels, without a 13 hour workout..without more money? without a family or a man?or a lover..
Is my essential sunshine never going to return? I loathe the porous darkness that seems to have replaced it and shows no sign of leaving...I have forgotten how to cheer up..
Do i still love dance?.. can u really ever stop loving anything or anyone that you started loving?
Its like a marriage, my relationship with dance..I cannot live without it but I resent this now.. or is this all a case of complex projection- something else destroys me and someone else is accredited with the new version..discredited rather.
Is this city home? should i accept it...own it and surrender ...is it teaching me and strenghthening me or is this just destruction and futility..should i leave- would that be cowardice or purposefulness..
Is it really over with him or is this nagging sensation that it continues always a voice worth listening to? - how do I figure this out without sinking into some pit of gloom..gloom that stinks so much that no one can stand near me when i emerge from it..
Will I escape? -is it ok that i want to? who decides...
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