2010

Its a new year and I don't feel any different.... that s what I would have said usually.
This year however , I am altered . I can say it with certainty.
I suddenly want these strange things that i didnt want before and I feel like its valid to want them. I am also less hopeful of ever being in a place where I can access them..or they can access me.
But I'm not sad or regretful about any of this. The feeling of awareness and knowing myself is back- I know what I want and I know how far I am willing or not willing to go to fulfil these wishes.Also, I have spent a large part of the year getting aqquainted with my dark parts and even starting to be unashamed and accepting of them. Yes , I have deep insecurities...I am extremely materialisctic and am forever balancing accounts (karmic or other )... I have secrets that I haven't told anyone except my therapist.. I hope for one thing and pretend that Im ok with quite the opposite.. I need to be good.. I lie - alot...I tell stories.. I want to escape all the time... I miss the man Ive been with lately and am constantly tempted to call him and tell him what he wants to hear so he'll stop being so scared of me and just bloody well come back... I am ooohhh so weak... I have lately become unhappy about my height and other elements of my appearance...
Somehow though...knowing all this doesn't make me feel any less..On the contrary I feel extremely real. Like - this is it. and its ok...its great! Im as fucked up as everyone else. Im not extraordinary! This gives me strength. I don't as yet know where this strange strong energy and confidence emanates from but it reminds me painfully of Jo. Like all along he was telling me something and I was afraid of listening cos he was right and he'd leave me for not discovereing it all before he did. Stupid girl he'd have left me anyway. That was written as thay say.
Its incredible !I am again at a place where I cherish the aloneness..and don't feel lonely. Im ready to leave.. Im also willing to stay. I am open to change ..but having said that i'm not putting myself up to be a lab rat. So no crazy chances and experiments- only allowances and agreements when and if the signs are readable and right.
We are born, we live and we die...not necessarily in that order. Maybe some of us get to live more times....to live longer, stronger and harder...higher and fuller. Maybe its possible to be born again and again and again and in order for this to happen, to die again and again and again. At the start of this year there are many emotions battling it out within me and there are several states of being that I find myself inhabiting... This has happened before, but, the me that watches quietly is suddenly more in tune with the blind minstrel and the hungry lioness. They are working together! at least something tells me so.