I had a fantastic new year's eve..after ages..after many years.
I couldnt stop declaring how great 2012 had been. I said, "2011 was better than 2010 and 2012 was way better than 2011".
this is true. I feel it deep inside.
There were even small tiny lights playing around inside me when a certain someone was around..dancing lights, tickling lights. They made me laugh while he got cheeky and silly. And i realized..as i often do when life presents these sunnier moments....how much I'd missed out all these years.
Then something strange happened.. I noticed myself growing in size, getting a little pompous with the " Ah! that is finally behind me feeling"..this was followed by my fingers taking over.. searching, clicking on buttons and taking me straight to your images..your pictures.
and there I was again. 2010 all over again.
I ask myself what the hell kind of medicine could I have taken that caused this wonderful amnesia ..that let me float so high. that allowed me to be so inspired. NO, it is not all lost just by the fact of you and your going away..
But touching you..touching this raw place that you exist in inside of me, sheds blinding and clear bright light onto the fragility of my open dil moments...the moments when I let love seize me and overwhelm me and direct my course..and it reminds me how unavailable I have been to this force these last few years.
I used to be someone who worshiped love by letting it make a fool of me...and letting it heal me. By allowing it to strike me again and again in the places most packed with heightened sensitivity.. I used to be the one who became clay under the strong-soft touch of love's knowing hand. Where did I go..this fearless, spontaneous me?
I was right there.. cleaning and decorating the heavy bronze idol of what we think love looks like. So busy with the idol. So good at deceiving my self..distracting myself so love could not once again have a go at me.
I realized that loosing you and the grief and guilt and sorrow and pain that followed..these are not feelings, fleeting states of being..or even psychological delusions...I realized that this reality of being alive without your aliveness is a country inside me..outside me, within and yes,without. This is a country I visit..sometimes I am magically transported there ..and then I lose my way to the exit..sometimes I wake up there and can't fall asleep so I can dream my way out of it.
I want to be released from this country. I'm scared to want to leave it..what if I can never return? But I have to remember- this is not you..this country was created to help me let the real you go...and you have by all means - gone.
What exists in this country is not our love ..borders could never shackle it..
What I see here is not you but a ghost of what other people remember of you..the legend of you, the prophet, the nutcase , the clown, the idol.....
not you, not the you that was mine
Your smell and your warmth will always exist..your words, our time together, the things we did and the things we didn't do..the kindnesses and the cruelties..the hurt and the magnanimous forgiveness.. and more importantly the little little, tiny things...curly hair, red-brown eyes, my skin, your skin,tears, your knowing ...my knowing, possessing each other's time, words , attention...laughing..laughing ..all that laughter.,,a thousand things I still cant bear to recall for their intensity...our individual madnesses and our together madness.None of these can be touched by the country of grief I had you locked in these 2 years. Please my jaan..wherever you are..let me release you. help me . and release me...
I want to find that freedom again ..this love is going to burst if I can't pour it into someone... I cant let it waste itself because I am too busy developing and maintaining this complex country with its entrapments and enigmatic terrain, that you and I both deserve to be let out of.
I blame you for nothing.
I love you.
I know nothing as I know loving you.
I won't leave..if you don't help me a little. So , please..show me a way.
I couldnt stop declaring how great 2012 had been. I said, "2011 was better than 2010 and 2012 was way better than 2011".
this is true. I feel it deep inside.
There were even small tiny lights playing around inside me when a certain someone was around..dancing lights, tickling lights. They made me laugh while he got cheeky and silly. And i realized..as i often do when life presents these sunnier moments....how much I'd missed out all these years.
Then something strange happened.. I noticed myself growing in size, getting a little pompous with the " Ah! that is finally behind me feeling"..this was followed by my fingers taking over.. searching, clicking on buttons and taking me straight to your images..your pictures.
and there I was again. 2010 all over again.
I ask myself what the hell kind of medicine could I have taken that caused this wonderful amnesia ..that let me float so high. that allowed me to be so inspired. NO, it is not all lost just by the fact of you and your going away..
But touching you..touching this raw place that you exist in inside of me, sheds blinding and clear bright light onto the fragility of my open dil moments...the moments when I let love seize me and overwhelm me and direct my course..and it reminds me how unavailable I have been to this force these last few years.
I used to be someone who worshiped love by letting it make a fool of me...and letting it heal me. By allowing it to strike me again and again in the places most packed with heightened sensitivity.. I used to be the one who became clay under the strong-soft touch of love's knowing hand. Where did I go..this fearless, spontaneous me?
I was right there.. cleaning and decorating the heavy bronze idol of what we think love looks like. So busy with the idol. So good at deceiving my self..distracting myself so love could not once again have a go at me.
I realized that loosing you and the grief and guilt and sorrow and pain that followed..these are not feelings, fleeting states of being..or even psychological delusions...I realized that this reality of being alive without your aliveness is a country inside me..outside me, within and yes,without. This is a country I visit..sometimes I am magically transported there ..and then I lose my way to the exit..sometimes I wake up there and can't fall asleep so I can dream my way out of it.
I want to be released from this country. I'm scared to want to leave it..what if I can never return? But I have to remember- this is not you..this country was created to help me let the real you go...and you have by all means - gone.
What exists in this country is not our love ..borders could never shackle it..
What I see here is not you but a ghost of what other people remember of you..the legend of you, the prophet, the nutcase , the clown, the idol.....
not you, not the you that was mine
Your smell and your warmth will always exist..your words, our time together, the things we did and the things we didn't do..the kindnesses and the cruelties..the hurt and the magnanimous forgiveness.. and more importantly the little little, tiny things...curly hair, red-brown eyes, my skin, your skin,tears, your knowing ...my knowing, possessing each other's time, words , attention...laughing..laughing ..all that laughter.,,a thousand things I still cant bear to recall for their intensity...our individual madnesses and our together madness.None of these can be touched by the country of grief I had you locked in these 2 years. Please my jaan..wherever you are..let me release you. help me . and release me...
I want to find that freedom again ..this love is going to burst if I can't pour it into someone... I cant let it waste itself because I am too busy developing and maintaining this complex country with its entrapments and enigmatic terrain, that you and I both deserve to be let out of.
I blame you for nothing.
I love you.
I know nothing as I know loving you.
I won't leave..if you don't help me a little. So , please..show me a way.
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